Twenty Three Days Ago

JBA1Twenty three days ago my life started. Twenty three days ago I finally started my journey to my authentic, true self. You’re sitting there wondering what the hell I’m talking about. For years, I have been keeping a secret. Some of those closest to me have known this secret for the most part, but not my family and not even some friends. Maybe I’ve been hiding it out of fear: fear of judgement, fear of loss, FEAR. Fear can be comfortable; it may seem to be easy to just fake it. Fake it till you make it right? I “tried” to be what society wanted me to be, what my family wanted me to be: a heterosexual female who would marry a man and have kids one day. I have never felt so awkward and miserable during than that time.

Coming into my sexuality – you know, when puberty hits and that love map you developed as a little kid starts to take effect – was a nightmare.  First off, I was an extremely late bloomer. All of my friends were already becoming women, whatever that meant. I thought it was hell on earth. I didn’t want my feminine features. I was quite content with my “tomboy like” attributes. I liked getting dirty, playing sports… I enjoyed all the things that a female shouldn’t enjoy. I should have been into boys, make-up, and dresses. WHY? Because I was born female and my biology should dictate how I live?

I was one confused kid… Then I set out on my own path, a path away from the eyes of my family and friends in school. I discovered that I was gay, be it a very masculine lesbian, but I hated the term “butch”. I hated labels period. I figured I can be as masculine as I wanted to be, I was in the Army after all and treated like just another one of the guys. I never really thought about my sexual identity at that time, I was busy doing soldier stuff – you know kicking ass, taking names, yeah right. I was serving my country and although I was in the closet I was proud to be a soldier.

About two and half years into my service, my world, my perfect naïve world, came to a crashing halt. I was sexually assaulted. I was in such denial that the reality of the situation didn’t hit me till three weeks later when I found out I was pregnant. I was horrified at the thought. How could this happen? I don’t remember drinking; come to think of it I don’t remember much of anything from that night. How could I have consented to sex with a man, I was GAY? I didn’t report the assault. Again, fear creeped in. I was scared that I’d be discharged. See, the only way I could prove sexual assault was to say I didn’t consent because I’m not heterosexual. If there were any date rape drugs, they were long gone. The only evidence I had that ANYTHING happened was the pregnancy. I made the difficult decision to have an abortion. Yes, that nasty word no one likes to talk about. To this day I think back and I still would have made that decision.

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Even as a lesbian I still didn’t feel whole. I knew something was missing. But, what? Why am I telling you all of this, you ask? Well, my sexual identity story starts back as early as childhood and I think it’s important for people to see that I’m human too. I have thoughts and feelings like anyone else. So twenty three days ago I finally did it. I started on the path to becoming who I have always been. How do I know this? Ever feel like you have this feeling in the back of your head and you’re not sure what it is, and maybe it takes some time to get to that thought? My experiences make me who I am today. If you have read this far you may have guessed already, but to put it out there in laments terms, twenty three days ago I had my first shot of testosterone and, yes, I am a transgendered male. Let that sink in for a min….. With that said I’m not asking for you to like it or accept it. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. Know that I am here and always will be. I have decided to come out because I want to make a difference in the transgendered community. Why should we have to hide? Why should we be scared of who we are? I love who I am. It took me a while to get here to this thought process, but I’m here. I will be starting a blog and or YouTube channel once I figure all that technology out. I want to document my journey so that those who feel like I did have someone they can go to for questions, answers, and support. Whether you’re transgendered, or not, I am here to support you.


~Jay Barnette~

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About davidtkukulkan

I am a cognizant collection and configuration of genes in symbiosis with various microorganisms, thoughts, memories, emotions all encoded in neurochemicals.
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