I couldn’t sleep the other night with lots of thoughts rumbling around in my head. So, I vented. It’s not going to be politically correct and it will be crass. It might be hypocritical because I know I’ve done some of these things myself, some right in the article. Enjoy!
1. Getting Caught Up In Semantics
Here’s an example. I wrote a status a while back: “I want to change the world.” And someone replied “The world is fine, it’s people that need to change.” And that’s certainly true. The world, a.k.a Earth, is a giant fucking rock that’s been around for about four billion years and will be around for billions more. I didn’t mean I wanted to alter the weather to fit my mood on a particular day. I didn’t mean I wanted to create a new continent with an inland sea dominated by talking apes, nor did I mean I wanted to demolish the Himalayas and construct a new super highway to make traveling that part of the globe easier. I want to change the world and you know what the fuck I mean. I want to change the way we do things, make the environment more healthy for us and all living beings, bring more peace and prosperity to the world’s populace. Stuff like that, so get off your high fucking horse you goddamn psuedo-intellect. Good for you, you can nit-pick word choice because language is an inherently limited and flawed means of communication with words having many different definitions and connotations. Go fuck yourself, you’re not adding anything constructive to the conversation, or giving me helpful tips on how to go about it. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Pointing Out Problems Without Coming Up With Solutions
We all do this. I do this. And it’s irritating and endlessly frustrating. Yes, money corrupts politics, yes, we spend too much money on fancy military toys and cut funding for domestic programs ranging from food-stamps to education, yes, there’s a giant wealth inequality gap of astronomical proportions, yes, we’re changing the climate and not in the good way like terraforming Mars or something. Yes, everything we eat is fucking poison and the good stuff is too expensive for most of us to buy. Yes, we live in a soul sucking society where we’re basically taught enough to be competent drones at an unfulfilling job testing dildos, or spitting in people’s fast food. But how the fuck do we fix it? I don’t know and apparently no one else does, but we all like the self satisfying feeling we get when bitch about stuff- like I’m doing now and it feels great! Though I have been suggesting armed rebellion and or secession for 20 of my 20 plus years.
3. Memetic Advice
You’ve seen ‘em, I’ve seen ‘em, we’ve all seen ‘em: memes! Funny memes, political memes, and the inspirational quote memes: “Go with the flow,” “Everyone’s beautiful,” “Something about Jesus” “Something about everything under the sun,” “Keep calm and don’t worry, everything’s gonna be smiles, rainbows, and unicorns!” First, don’t go with the flow. It works if you’re on the Lazy River Ride at a water park, but not so much when swimming in whirlpool, or a tornado. It’s a shitty metaphor. It has it’s time and place, but it’s not great life advice. There are plenty of times you should probably fight against the current especially when the current is a wave of Nazi zombies, or trying to change the world for instance. Second, everyone’s not beautiful. It’s not the most important thing in the world to be either. Some people are fucking trolls- straight up “Billy Goats Gruff” trolls and we all know it. And that’s okay, and it’s okay to not be attracted to everyone. It’s natural. I’m not saying you have to point it out to them, but you don’t have to think they’re the finest thing underneath God’s taint either. Third, shut the fuck up about Jesus and prayers and and how he loves all so damn much. But then again maybe he does, he just must really love helping actors win their awards more than he loves starving children, or disease ravaged populations. He must just work in mysterious, incomprehensibly cruel, inhumanly mysterious ways to achieve his grand plan for all of us. It just involves millions of people dying in natural disasters and from deadly pathogens he created in the first place. Thanks, G-Man! We’ll have to skip over “Something about everything under the sun,” since we don’t have all century, so lastly everything is not necessarily gonna be just dandy. Have cancer? There’s a good chance you will die. Kidnapped and locked in a trunk reading this on your iPhone? Call the police dipstick. Can’t pay the rent because of a hospital bill and lost your job because you had an accident which required you to go to the hospital? You might end up homeless, and it’s freezing outside in this hemisphere right now so you may well freeze to death as people tend to do without adequate shelter, if you don’t die of starvation, thirst, being shanked over the rights to a shopping cart full of cans. Life can suck, it can be brutal and no number of inspirational texts with a nice background image will change that.
4. Lists Of Everything You’ve Been Doing Wrong
“83 reasons you’ve been cooking pasta wrong your whole life!” “23 words you’ve been mispronouncing!” “162 mistakes you’ve made while touching yourself!” Have you seen these kind of articles? If not, good for you, they’re fucking annoying. My pasta comes out just fine. Words I’ve been mispronouncing? Oh no! Tell me internet, how can I correct my friends and sound more pretentious? And if you need an article to tell you how to touch yourself, well, maybe you do need that article.
5. Click Bait
You know, those headlines that start normal enough but cut off like the ending of “The Sopranos.” “A man was walking his dog when…” A local woman lost her glass eye when…” “And the this happened…” Yeah. Fuck those articles. They’re usually not that great anyway, which is why they have to lure us in those seductive and suggestive ellipses.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope you’ve enjoyed this rant as much as I enjoyed venting it out into text.
~David T Kukulkan~